by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph.D.

Children learn how to respond to others from their parents, family members, and their environment. When they witness constant conflict, aggression, and violence in the home, they learn to deal with conflict by means of impulsiveness or violence.

A child’s response to a traumatic upbringing also depends on their gender. Young boys raised in a conflicted, violent home learn that they have to defend themselves from aggression. Their experience is that they live in a hostile world, so when they perceive a threat they act in order to guard against that threat. Situations they face as adults may not actually be dangerous, but their defensive “fight back” behavior is already well established. When a young boy learns this method of survival, his behavior as an adult is actually controlled by his central nervous system, which has been programmed to alert him to respond to what he perceives as danger.
In contrast, young girls exposed to similar environments usually learn how to dissociate from the violent experience and ignore it, as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional or physical pain. Since female role models are usually seen as victims of aggression, young girls learn to be quiet and to appease potentially violent individuals in order to reduce tensions. For a female, the possibility of confronting the conflict aggressively is usually seen as too dangerous.

Children who grow up in toxic environments are exposed to what is known as chronic neuronal development trauma. They become impatient, impulsive, demanding, and, in many cases, arrogant. They are often criticized for their behavior and are wrongly diagnosed as hyperactive when their actions are actually a way for them to remain alert to potential danger. Such children feel that they must be ready to defend themselves at all times. Given their threatening home environment, their response to perceived potential threats is logical.

Children who have been traumatized by family violence live in a constant state of fear, which is not always evident because they are used to hiding it. Their fear is understandable, because they sense that if they ignore potential danger they could become victims of violence. Hiding their fear is also a logical behavior, since declaring their vulnerability can be dangerous as well. This defensive, fearful way of relating to others affects a traumatized child’s decision making and learning capabilities because their minds are preoccupied with trying to protect themselves. A child from such a background may be smart, but he or she tends to have learning disabilities. Parents or teachers may classify these children as “lazy,” but they are not; rather, they are investing all their energy in defending themselves against a perceived threatening environment.
Traumatized children may appear physically different in terms of their attitude and posture. They may look tense and ready to react. They also have problems sleeping and relaxing and show little tolerance for listening to or understanding others. This profile suggests the presence of anxiety, which can easily develop into medical problems, especially with respect to the cardiovascular system.

Not all young people who grow up in violent or highly conflicted households exhibit these behaviors. By changing home environments, most of them are able to adapt themselves to a healthier way of relating to others and to reasonably fulfilling their expectations. Those who receive appropriate guidance can develop a healthier outlook on life. Unhealthy lessons learned in childhood can be replaced by healthier ways of solving conflicts—and, in turn, these new behavioral tools can prevent the recurrence of old traumas.