by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph.D.
From the Newspaper La Opinión

It has been a couple of weeks since we presented the fictitious case of Rosita and Victor. Although their conflicts are those of an invented story, they reflect the reality of life in many homes and it is for this reason that the Mexican Institute of Family and Population and UNAM decided to expose them as the focus of their campaign against domestic violence.
“Rosita lives with her husband, Victor, and their two children, a 3-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter. Rosita finished the 5th grade and is a homemaker, but she has wanted to leave Victor for some time. He doesn’t give her enough money for household expenses and he won’t let her work because he is jealous-hearted. When he arrives home drunk, he insults her and, sometimes, he forces her to have sex with him. Rosita tried to talk to him several times, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Rosita has been putting up with this for four years without telling anyone. She doesn’t know what to do.”

I invited my readers to participate in analyzing Rosita’s situation and in sending in their recommendations. Today, we are discussing what help Rosita could request, should she decide to go through with this.
First, I want to share the opinion of Andres (29 years old). Andres tells us that his advice to Rosita would be “Absolute separation, since the law will save her from destitution. The Mexican woman must begin to value herself and stop deferential behavior. The Mexican woman lives with the unfounded belief that woman is born to serve man and if she becomes divorced, she has no value. This is totally false, as many women rise to their greatest potential following a divorce. What really counts—both for women and men—is their self respect.

Among other replies that support Rosita in her decision to ask for help, I found some that criticize her behavior, saying that she doesn’t really want to separate; some think that Rosita ought not to do it, because she made a commitment for life to her husband and it is her duty to help him, come what may. There was another who even held the opinion that Rosita likes the mistreatment. Of course, most of the opinions were sympathetic with Rosita and expressed sympathy about the type of life she has had and, though they think as Andres does, they are not sure how they would help Rosita.
The abused woman, on the other hand, is greatly disturbed that she cannot find a good solution to her problem. Her confusion becomes more worrisome because she is concerned about what others, such as the critics I mentioned, will think of her.
A battered woman feels humiliated and shamed when she finally reports what happened. Also, she does not want to ‘bother’ her family and friends with her problems, thinking that she will cause them a major problem unnecessarily. Most abused women seek the comfort of another woman, be this their mother or a woman that reminds them of their mother.

Nevertheless, these other women, in whom she seeks comfort, are not always prepared to offer it. Many abused women come from homes where domestic violence was ‘routine’ and it was there they learned to accept that mistreatment is part of a relationship. To make matters worse, her friends may have expressed negative opinions or carried chauvinism to hateful extremes, further contributing to the woman’s poor self image and insecurity. Furthermore, in our culture, we tend to look for explanations that place blame on someone and that someone is often the victim: “You asked for it. I told you that was going to happen. So, don’t come complaining to me about it now.” Or “You didn’t want me to do anything about it.” These are typical responses to the victim by people from whom she expected to receive help.
Two weeks from now, we will continue with this project, moving on to the next topic: Rosita asks someone to talk to Victor.