by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph.D.
From the Newspaper La Opinión

Why would an abused woman return to her husband? This is the enigma that leaves us with diverse conclusions, including those of this session’s readers, who have the following opinions:
Woman love too much and allow themselves to be mistreated. It is for lack of preparation and emotional dependency. Women have been educated to tolerate whatever comes their way. When someone marries, it is forever. Breaking up a home is a sin against God. Children need their own father. She was asking for it and now she has to pay.
While studying the fictitious case of Rosita and Victor that I presented in previous columns, we have seen various ways in which emotional and physical relief are blocked for the abused woman and her children. Nevertheless, in spite of all the effort Rosita made, she—like many other women—returned to her husband. Many repentant women—as one reader wrote me from jail—even visit their spouses who are in prison for domestic violence.

Many speculate whether the woman actually “likes being abused,” since otherwise, she would abandon the husband. Undoubtedly, the answer is ‘NO.’ No woman likes to be hit, humiliated, insulted, or tortured. Nevertheless, many remain or return for reasons other than those offered by such critics. She is between a rock and a hard spot: she will be criticized if she stays and criticized if she abandons her home.
Some feel that there is no alternative to returning, since she cannot depend on the help of her family or friends and the economic pressure causes her to make this decision without knowing the resources available through the State of California and other states in the U.S. for helping her become financially independent.
The problem is multifaceted and the abused woman’s response is directly related to her family of origin, the culture, and the society in which she lives. Many, many women have been victims in their homes since they were children, witnessing violence by their father toward their mother. We know that children adapt to any life situation, including violence. When this is the case, they develop a distorted identity and conclude mistakenly that there are women who are ‘bad’ and deserve punishment. In this way, some women become involved in relationships with dominant, intimidating, aggressive and abusive men. They can abandon the home, but some return without realizing that they are exposing themselves to an even greater degree of aggression and risk.

Some abused women even return to the dysfunctional home after receiving help and support from their family or official refuge and resources. We can only conclude that there is an emotional condition that affects the woman and drives her to be traumatized yet again, since in fact, the relationship has not changed—as we discussed previously. Let’s call this ‘addiction to trauma.’
She appears to be compulsively self-abusive, due to traumatic experiences since infancy. There is a tentative chemical and hormonal explanation for this: danger produces response in any organism. The body reacts by producing epinephrine (adrenaline) as well as endogenous opiates (endorphins and encephalines), the analgesic purpose of which is to inhibit the pain of trauma. But these self-produced opiates are just as addictive as injected drugs such as heroin and morphine. There is speculation that a person addicted to trauma continues making dangerous decisions as a mechanism for avoiding the symptoms of abstinence. As this process is difficult to understand—the more so while the woman is in the midst of turbulence—her reaction is one of shame for what happened and taking the blame for creating a situation that could have been avoided, remaining with the relationship no matter what the price, not only minimizing the aggression, but justifying the aggressor’s behavior.

This is the case with Rosita, who decided to return home to stop convincing herself that Victor will never change and to alleviate her doubts and guilt, which were inappropriate from the start.
What the abused woman needs during the recovery process is to be conscious of the abuse and to be supported in whatever decision she makes. The best way to help her is to make her aware of the consequences of domestic violence, supplying information about available resources, helping her develop an emergency plan of action, helping her internalize it without judging her, give her confidence and offer her help in case of danger.

In case of domestic violence, you can communicate with the office of Dr. Ana Nogales (213) 413-7777 or (714) 525-8509 for information about emotional and psychological support services. You can also phone the nearest Victims Witness Assistance office, where you will receive information and help on protecting women and their children.