by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph. D.
From the Newspaper La Opinión

We are continuing with the series we started a month ago about violence in the home. At that time we began with the fictitious case of Rosita and Victor, the introduction to which I repeat here:
“Rosita lives with her husband, Victor, and their two children, a 3-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter. Rosita finished the 5th grade and is a homemaker, but she has wanted to leave Victor for some time. He doesn’t give her enough money for household expenses and he won’t let her work because he is jealous-hearted. When he arrives home drunk, he insults her and, sometimes, he forces her to have sex with him. Rosita tried to talk to him several times, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Rosita has been putting up with this for four years without telling anyone. She doesn’t know what to do.”
This imaginary case is the topic of discussion by women’s protection groups and was developed by the Instituto Mexicano de Investigacion de Familia y Poblacion [Mexican Institute of Family and Population Investigation] and UNAM to explore social and familial responses to domestic violence. Two weeks ago I relayed the answers of my readers regarding the possibility of Rosita asking for help. Today we are going to discuss Rosita’s decision to ask someone to speak to Victor. Here are the readers’ answers:

1. To whom will Victor listen? What should this person say?

I chose answers from women who have taken this bitter step. They, in various ways, affirmed that the results of asking someone to intervene were never positive. One woman asked her priest, who confronted the husband right away. The husband agreed to listen to the holy man. He took his advice, but only for three weeks. Other women in the same situation never got the husband to meet with the priest. None of the answers considered that another woman could advise Victor, except for one wife who consulted her mother-in-law with the same result. When someone suggested that a male relative confront Victor she feared that this would only spread the violence to another relative and would accomplish only temporary results. Most of the responses were that whoever talked to Victor had to make him see the pain his attitude was causing, not only to Rosita, but also to his children, this issue being far more important than that of spending money on alcohol.

2. What might Victor’s reaction be if someone tries to intervene?

Most responses to this reflected apprehension and fear. One reader wrote: “If my husband found out that I was talking about what happens in our home, he would kill me.” This is to say that fear of an aggressive response or revenge intimidates many women. So, they prefer not to disclose the abuse and even hide it, giving the impression that everything is going fine.
Those who considered the possible reaction of Victor reflected this fear, affirming that Victor would react negatively and that he would become even more violent if he believed that his image with others was tarnished or impose his machismo.

3. What reasons could Victor have for treating Rosita this way?

With the exception of one person who said ‘Maybe Rosita was asking for it,’ readers thought that, whatever the reason, it would be only a way of venting his tension or the result of his personality or the effects of alcohol.
For that, all the reasons he could give, such as “she doesn’t listen to me; she doesn’t understand me; she doesn’t do what she should,” plus all the other justifications based on the jealousy that is typical of the alcoholic are only words without any real meaning.

In conclusion, most abused women prefer that someone intervene to get the husband to understand the immense emotional, and at times physical, damage he is causing, but generally this has not helped. In my previous column, I touched on the help of family and friends, which often ends with trouble and more pain. Also, I should include the fantasy of many mothers that, when their children are grown and adult, they will take action that she did not dare take, and in this way that they will “put everything in order,” without considering the great responsibility this places on the children, while teaching them by her own example to hold on or even to be like him.
With these responses, we may ask ourselves whether domestic violence is actually a problem that should be resolved within the home. The obvious answer is that this is an impossible task. The battered woman should ask for help for herself, so that she can deal with this problem that is so harmful to herself and her children. She should do this through professional counseling and in women’s groups organized for this purpose. It is she who must gather the courage in face of harassment to make decisions that she can later carry out. Fortunately, in this country, institutions help the woman tremendously—not because they think of her as the “poor little thing,” but because we understand that violence in the home means destruction of society.
I invite you to continue participating in the analysis of the situation between Rosita and Victor. In two weeks we will look at the next topic: “Rosita decides to leave Victor: What is going to be easiest for her? How will this affect her children? What does Rosita need to get along on her own with the children?