by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph.D.
From the Newspaper La Opinión

When an abused woman decides to leave her partner, it is after a long process in which she has found no other way out. Nevertheless, the decision is not easy and there are usually many obstacles to taking this step.
Family violence has been the topic of this column, based on a program developed by the Instituto Mexicano de Investigacion de Familia y Poblacion and UNAM. For this, a fictitious case was developed for their investigation team that presents a situation in this city that is very common in our lives and that I have presented to you readers for your comments. This is the case:
“Rosita lives with her husband, Victor, and their two children, a 3-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter. Rosita finished the 5th grade and is a homemaker, but she has wanted to leave Victor for some time. He doesn’t give her enough money for household expenses and he won’t let her work because he is jealous-hearted. When he arrives home drunk, he insults her and, sometimes, he forces her to have sex with him. Rosita tried to talk to him several times, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Rosita has been putting up with this for four years without telling anyone. She doesn’t know what to do.”

The reader has participated with his solutions to the problem of Rosita and Victor with regard to asking for help for her, not only for him. Today, we are going to discuss the decision to leave him.
Reader responses are contradictory regarding whether Rosita should leave Victor. One wrote that Rosita should give Victor one more chance (“Until when?” then becomes the question), that she should think about the education of her children as long as they are minors (“What type of education is possible in the midst of family violence?”), and that there is no point if the woman is going to return to him later (the question that we will be considering).
Let’s consider the response of reader, Ricardo, who concludes that Rosita is actually lying to herself when she says that she doesn’t know what to do—that, in reality, she has chosen to do nothing: she has spoken to no one and has yet to ask for any help. Ricardo thinks Rosita should put her fear aside and start fighting.

It is completely true that the first step toward mental health is to be able to say what is actually happening. All progress takes place in small, intermediate steps. With the passing of time and adaptation of the couple and the family to change, life can present many possible consequences that may surprise us, without the abused woman necessarily having to leave the relationship. Studies show that there is no one perfect solution for every suffering woman, but that the solution depends on each individual relationship. The abused woman understands that her decision is not an easy one and she cannot be pressured into it. But, she should also know that this is not happening to her alone—that this is typical of decisions abused women have to make. Below, is the process a woman goes through when she decides to leave her partner. It is modeled on a spiral which, at times, returns to an earlier episode, but which sooner or later leads to meeting its goal: to stop the violence.