by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph.D.
From the Newspaper La Opinión

During a recent interview at radio station KTNQ, on the program conducted by Amalia Gonzalez on the subject of domestic violence, a woman who gave her name as Rosa talked about the measures she had taken in the face of her husband’s constant violence.

Rosa explained that her husband hit her for ten years, but she tolerated it because she has four children. Rosa decided that she had to do something since divorce, talking to him, and asking him to change were not options for her.

Rosa decided to defend herself in another way. She decided that karate was the solution for her. She began training each morning, explaining to her husband that she was going for a walk. The next Sunday, Rosa had a discussion with her husband, after which he refused to attend a family reunion. He ended this by striking her. But this time she defended herself with her now-athletic kick to his face. Disconcerted by the strike and the reaction of his wife, he left the house for a couple of hours. When he came back, according to Rosa, he was the sweetest man in the world.

Rosa is convinced that this is the solution to her problem. Time will tell whether she is right, but we can analyze possible consequences of Rosa’s actions.

In the first place, Rosa decided to do something, rather than continue being a victim. For this we applaud her, since one of the most serious difficulties of battered women is being able to say “This is it. No more.” However, we don’t know where this method will lead.

Many people will criticize Rosa for waiting ten years to make this decision, failing to take responsibility for the care of her children. However, it is certain that the battered woman is the victim in this situation and that she felt powerless and without the self confidence to take action.

With deterioration of her self esteem, the woman learns to accept the violence of her companion as nature and even to justify it, blaming herself for irritating her partner. Because of this, the woman’s critics are unfair and wrong. We do have to recognize that Rosa intends to leave the cycle of violence in pursuit of mental and physical health, both that of herself and that of her children.

But, can we “cure” violence with violence? Psychologists know that violence only causes more violence and this is my main concern about the step Rosa is taking. What would happen if, the next time, her husband feels it is necessary to be more violent? Or what might be the consequences of a badly executed blow? Furthermore, what do the children of this marriage, which must exert physical force, learn?

We know that parents who are violent with each other have a 30 to 60% chance of being violent with their children. This is why the authorities remove children from homes where there is domestic violence and place them temporarily in Foster Homes to give the parents time to learn appropriate behavior, after punishing the harasser with the law.

It is also possible that Rosa is communicating a big message: “You are not going to take advantage of me because, now, I am as aggressive as you. From now on, you will have to find a new way of communicating with me.” This brings us to the question: “What will the new way be?”