by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph.D.
From the Newspaper La Opinión

Many couples come to a psychological counselor to get a simple, concrete answer to the question, “Is this enough of a reason to leave my partner?”
In most cases, this is due to the disillusionment of one mate because of infidelity on the part of the other. In many others, it is due to emotional and even physical abuse that has made the relationship intolerable.
Addiction to alcohol and drugs are also triggers, very difficult elements to tolerate while living as a couple.
But what happens when the situation is less clear-cut? What happens, for example, when love ends…or when it never existed and was only a relationship of convenience?
Many people look to someone else for an answer they cannot themselves find. But the person living in the situation is the one with the answers.

The reasons for joining as a couple are many. What seems normal and understandable for one may not be the same for the other.
There are people who find in their partner that which they could never be. Others look for someone in whom problems from their childhood family are reflected, so they can use them to solve problems from the past.
Some apparently look for convenience, but behind this they try to meet their needs. An example of this would be a woman who marries a man for his money because she feels that he can protect her, due to her vulnerability or dependence.
Some look for youth to avoid the burden of years in their own life.
The motives are many and reality is that none of us really knows why we are drawn to certain others unless we pay very close attention.
But, if it is hard for the person in this relationship to find answers to his Whys?, it is even more complex to pretend that “someone from outside” can do this.

In the case of a professional, even a psychologist or a marriage counselor, their role is to observe the mechanisms used by each partner to delineate the conflict and determine whether these are really true or whether the difficulties are products of the normal friction in a relationship. Neither is it the responsibility of the professional to decide that the partnership should end.
Evaluation of the positive and negative aspects of a partnership can be difficult for a couple.
It is common for an angry person to see everything in “black” and to feel that nothing they have lived through together was worth it. However, once the torment has passed, the “rose-colored” memories are even brighter.
As color changes with one’s emotional state we cannot trust ourselves to make good decisions while angry.
This indicates that we should evaluate the relationship over several incidents and observe how they were resolved.
When partners make an effort to iron out their differences, they come closer to having a better future.

Even when many people know and feel that such a couple cannot last long, it is not up to these people to separate them. They should not separate for this reason, because unless they are prepared for a separation, they quickly regress to their old conflicts and mutual abuse.
There is a right time to separate and we know when it has arrived. This is the moment when we are sure, certain that the decision is the right one, after having done everything possible to resolve differences and when we are strong enough to bear the sadness of the pain of a separation with its anxiety and, frequently, its depression. So, this is a process that requires time.
It brings to mind the advice of a grower who recommends waiting to pick the fruit from the tree until the fruit is ripe.