by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph.D.
From the Newspaper La Opinión

Very often I see patients for domestic violence in which self esteem is seriously affected.
In most of these cases, the person arrives at my office to ask my opinion of her. This is the first indication that she depends on the opinion of others in order to accept herself.
In reality, self esteem cannot be based on what others think of us. Neither must we impose our values on others. Neither extreme is valid.
Let’s define self esteem as the ability to think and resolve problems for oneself, since this is what enables us to survive and choose our own path. At the same time, we must realize that this ability can be developed to improve our skills and achieve our goals.
But, it is extremes that trap us. If we appreciate ourselves so much that we think we are unique in the universe and others don’t matter, we can become completely egocentric—which is not the same as having self esteem.

On the other hand, if we always depend on and seek the acceptance of others, we find ourselves with only the illusion of self esteem, due to the constant need to seek everyone’s approval, while not accepting ourselves.
If we put all of our energy into gaining the approval of another to prove to ourselves that we have value, it will be a long, hard road, because it is impossible to continually compete with the best and pretend to gain on it. This is an unfair competition that produces a state of tension and ruins our days.
Nevertheless, most domestic violence victims seek these others to define their personalities, whether they receive appreciation or humiliation from them, losing the ability to see themselves and their surroundings.
Of course this point is the objective of the other person, and by manipulating the victim, the other person can control the victim…always and whenever the victim permits it.
Therefore, it is up to us. We evaluate ourselves and situations according to our own values, always considering and respecting those of others… and especially, we don’t allow ourselves to be humiliated by absolutely anyone—even by people who say they love us. Love and humiliation are contradictory