by Dr. Ana Nogales, Ph.D.

Two men took a seat in my counseling office. I knew Peter, but not Jerry. Peter is a calm man who had come to me for counseling regarding the behavior of his teenagers, a man of admirable values and always aware of what was going on around him.
Peter had already spoken to me about Jerry and his anger. “Why did you bring me here?” Jerry asked Peter. “Don’t get mad, my friend. I brought you because you get too angry.” “That’s the way I am and no one is going to change me,” answered Jerry.
It’s true that there are some personality traits we cannot change because they are part of a person’s identity. Nevertheless, certain habits, ideas, and negative thoughts can be revised or, in some cases, learned.

Angry Episodes

For example, controlling one’s episodes of anger or rage, is a new idea to many men, especially to those who witnessed similar behavior in their fathers. Instead of having their anger treated as a problem, it was treated as masculine—something to be admired.
There are many ways of showing anger. Some, and I refer to that of women as well as men, prefer to express it by irritating those nearby, doing things or ‘little things’ that they know would get on the nerves of even the most patient person. But there is also the person who plays the fool, forgetting yet again to do what he ought to do or wasting time arguing uselessly.
Women commonly stop speaking to a person with whom they are angry to demonstrate their anger with the great disadvantage that in general the person who is being ignored does not know why and therefore can neither ask pardon nor adjust his behavior and avoid another mishap.
A more direct form of showing one’s anger is to criticize the other’s defects and blame the other. Though this is more direct, it generally results in more serious conflict, since the accused person reacts defensively with a bigger attack, escalating things into a major conflict. Immediately, yelling and, at times, insults invade communication, destroying control and any chance of accomplishing what was to be said or changed.

The person who loses control is resented for it and invariably loses authority, though for a moment he thinks he is gaining it. Not only does he humiliate himself and cause others to write him off, others eventually think of him as ‘crazy.’ Some believe that it is calming to vent one’s anger. However, yelling and insulting can be a temporary relief that becomes a continual habit.
Studies by Aaron Siegman, professor of psychology at University of Maryland at Baltimore reveal that anger is directly related to high pressure.
Each episode of anger elevates the production of hormones that harden arteries and raise arterial pressure until this may develop into a heart problem. Each episode of anger leads to another until there is an explosion to discharge the tension, leading to threats and physical violence as the only recourse left for making others hear us.
To break this cycle of annoyances, anger, rage, and violence, we must recognize it in everyday behavior. In general, you have trouble with those nearest to you who permit it—possibly your spouse, your children, or companions at work. STOP! This approach will be your own downfall. You can find many more effective ways of making your wishes and feelings known and with better results.
Next week, we will see how to expose our points of view without converting a chat into a war in which we are the primary casualty.